When I called my Mother to tell her that I had cancer, I kept it short. Not because I was emotional but because I was about to be picked up for a concert and still had to get my kids ready to go to their Dad’s house. My hair was wet from the shower still, phone under my chin, deciding what to wear.
I don’t know what you’re supposed to do when you find out you have cancer, I had never thought about it before. Are you
supposed to fall to your knees? Get online and hunt for the best of the best doctors? Keep quiet, don’t be weak and deal with it?
I was in the shower when I took the phone call so I thought it was best to finish, dry off, brush my teeth and put one foot in front of the other until I had a better idea.
And that’s what I did. I started listening intently to what I needed, what my body wanted and what my heart asked for. And I made no apologies about it, for the first time ever. One foot in front of the other.
And that’s when things started to change.
Cancer had become this messy little blessing. I reunited with my yoga practice because I wanted to be kinder to my body. For years I had been in gyms lifting weights, flipping tires and running, running, always running. What I found on my mat day after day convinced me I was where I needed to be.
I became honest with myself about who I had been allowing in my life and why. The way I looked at relationships started to change and how I wanted to connect with people. I wanted more honesty, more depth. I wanted to live a more heart based life and I didn’t want to cower anymore on behalf of someone else’s shitty story.
I was 42. I was grateful. I was brave. I survived.
And it changed everything.
My life changed because I reached out. I accepted help. I opened my heart and said, “I’m afraid.” I called on women who unfortunately have had the same fight and continue the fight everyday. They are my heroes. Friends brought food to my door and I didn’t say no thanks I got it. I ate, my kids ate and we were full.
My heart was full and wide open. I softened. I received. I accepted my circumstances and walked the path.
I may have a scar but it reminds me of so many others that have healed.
And I’m good with that.